Random Emailage of the Day

Wow, I'm doing amazingly well at this whole posting everyday thing. I really need to get my act together, I guess. That is, if I want to truly blog with the best of them. Well, right now I'm at work, so I feel morally (and I suppose contractually) obligated to focus on my work-related obligations and I can't really spend all afternoon sharing my innermost secrets with all of you--although I want nothing more. All that being said, though, I see no reason why I can't share with you a random email I sent to a friend of mine the other day (what a consolation, huh?). My wife suggested I post it, as you might find it funny and perhaps pick up a bit more on what drives my occasional lunacy (although, I doubt you will *wink*). There was a website posting made by my good friend, Ann White, that informs the email below, but I don't think you really need it to enjoy the conversation that follows. I hope it gives you a mid-day chuckle.

The following email was by no means drafted or sent on company time...cough:

Ms. White (in the Ballroom with the Candlestick),

I’m interested in pursuing a second degree through Oklahoma Christian. I saw “Underwater Basket-weaving” on the University’s blog-site and I wanted to inquire as to the entrance requirements for the program. While I can hold my breath for decently long periods, splinters and I do not mix. Is it a 110% probability that I will get splinters during the program or can that be avoided through extra practice sessions and resolute devotion to my craft? Why does the University use splinter-prone materials, anyway? I know a guy who could get you some high-quality basket fiber that has a splinter threshold of approximately 1400 lbs. A bag of 128 tabby cats and 1/8 scale bronze statue of Buddha couldn’t break those things (believe me, we tried it). As long as the University doesn’t ask him where he gets it, my guess is he’ll give it to you cheap.

Anyway, I was also wondering what professional contacts the school could offer me through this program. Are there any good internships available? I noticed on your website that the three top career choices of U.B. Majors were “butcher, baker, and candlestick maker.” I don’t have a strong interest to do any of those things. In fact, synchronized baking just seems silly and underwater butchering sounds pretty disgusting. Candlestick whittling could pose a significant underwater challenge… but I don’t think it’s for me. No, what I really want to do is weave impossibly large and convoluted wicker masterpieces whilst I prunify in a depth of no less than 12 feet in the Mediterranean Sea (the water there is more conducive to shapely bending of the basket fibers). Have any of the professors at OC spent any time under the Mediterranean? I hear it’s beautiful and the local undersea craftsmen really know their stuff. One guy weaved a full-size likeness of Paul Giamatti during a eight hour stint underwater to commemorate the opening of “Lady in the Water” a couple years back. Not the greatest flick, but I heard that basket sold for a cool $8.37 on EBay. Now that’s the kind of lucrative career I could really sink my teeth into.

Underwater Basket-weaving has been a dream of mine since I was a wee lad. Ever since my father died from wicker shrapnel cast off from a basket made by one of those “above water” manufacturers, I’ve known this was my calling. Now that OC is finally offering this desperately needed field of study, I want on board. Could you put me in contact with Professor Dumbledore so that we could discuss more. (By the way, tell him his name sounds very familiar… has he ever been to Anchorage? My parents used to have a penguin ranch there. Hmmm…)

I’d appreciate any information you can give me. Thank you for your time!

Cornelius Blue