How to Write a Forward

Today, whilst I was reading a forward passed on to me by my mother (thanks, ma), I came upon a conundrum: where do forwards come from? I mean, we’ve all seen them (most of us more often than we’d like) and many of us have even ashamedly passed them on, but who exactly starts these soul-sucking, time-depriving monstrosities that flood our inboxes day in and day out? I didn’t have the slightest idea, so I began to research what I have dubbed the “Forward Phenomena”—going back over those few forwards I have left in my inbox and reviewing others online. What I found may shock you…

Human beings, actual human beings create these things (I know, I’m appalled too). In fact, there exists in our world today a small secret society, well versed in the delicate craft of forward creation, whose sole purpose is to devote endless time and energy to the development and subsequent mass dispersal of these email messages. With unrelenting sadism, they crank these suckers out in hopes of pulling us away from our more pressing messages and our regular responsibilities, thus wearing on our sanity and draining us slowly of our will to live.

Well, I say the realm of forwards has been held in the iron clutches of this exclusivist society for far too long. It’s time for us to take our lives and our inboxes back! How do we do that, you ask? Simple—we fight impersonal monotony with impersonal monotony! If we each develop a forward of our own, we can come together to barrage the inboxes of those merciless forward-writers, bringing down their massive servers and forcing them up from their mothers’ basements and into the light of day! Are you with me?!

If you’re ready to join me in mounting a resistance to this tyranny, I’ve used my research to develop a short treatise on forward-writing that should serve you well as we embark on this rebellion. The following step-by-step approach will teach you all you need to know to craft a forward:

1) As you begin, be sure to use an obnoxiously large or outrageous font—an indecipherable cursive or comically inflated font works best. Feel free to change the size and type of this font as you go along. In fact, the more frequently the font changes, the better.

2) Immediately switch your font’s color from the default black to something that will inflict more intense eye strain on your readers. Bright blues, greens, and reds are excellent. Remember this mantra: “if it can’t cause a seizure, then it’s not a forward worth sending.” Like the font itself, be liberal in your color changes throughout the body of your message. If you have no life at all, I encourage you to adjust the color subtly on each and every character you type. It may take time, but your forward-loving readership will appreciate your devotion.

*You can disregard points 1 & 2 if, and only if, you plan to draft your forward in an ancient plain type font (we’re talking straight from a Commodore 64). If your font is so very archaic that it actually hurts to read, then you’ve accomplished the essential point of parts 1 & 2 without all the fuss—congratulations.

3) Pay close attention to your punctuation. Either keep it to an absolute minimum OR place a period, comma, semi-colon, or ellipsis after nearly every word you use. The same goes for capitalization—EITHER CAPITALIZE EVERYTHING or forego capitalization altogether. It’s important that no matter what you choose here, though, that you stay consistent. Don’t go throwing properly punctuated or capitalized sentences in there anywhere—your readers don’t want to see that.

4) Use stupidly long acronyms, abbreviate phrases for no reason, and misspell common words just to be clever. B’lieve me, it’s GR8 and i know yer BFFs will jus’ luvvit. Ppl can’t get enuff, they’ll b ROFL, even if they have BTDTGTTSAWIO. (wow, it actually pains me to write that crap)

5) It is imperative that you include some tacky clip art, ASCII drawings, and/or poorly doctored photographs (animals with thought bubbles and friends faces tacked on celebrity bodies are very popular). I have found that very few forwards are complete without this element, so you must remember to take your time in implementing this portion of your project. In fact, if you’re nervous about what to write, you can forego a written message altogether if you attach an obscenely large string of pictures to your email (believe me). Examples of acceptable forward pictures include: puppies, babies, celebrities caught in embarrassing/compromising poses, or religious symbols found in bowls of cereal, sweat marks, oddly shaped potato chips, etc. Remember, though, any less than 10 of these pictures will not adequately make up for a lack of fabricated verbiage, so include plenty.

6) Now, on to your actual message. Although this would typically be the meat of any email, in the case of forwards the message is relatively unimportant. Simply keep in mind that your message must contain one or more of the following: (1) a decidedly one-sided religious and/or political message, (2) a sappy lesson-evoking story, (3) a stupid, offensive, and/or ridiculously corny joke, (4) reasons to love/hate your job, (5) quotes from overplayed pop/country songs, (6) numbingly simplistic metaphors and analogies, (7) manufactured advice, (8) warnings about computer viruses, identity theft scams, or spreading diseases, (9) a questionnaire about yourself and your favorite things, or (10) an invitation to stand up for a cause your readers have either never heard of or expressed no personal interest in. Include any one of these elements and your message will inherently achieve the maximum poignancy possible for any forward.

7) As you close your message emphasize that your letter must be sent on to no less than 10 to 15 other people. To ensure that your readers do pass on your message, be sure to threaten, insult, or guilt them in the appropriate fashion. Possible closing messages include: (1) “bad luck will befall you if you don’t pass this on,” (2) “pass this on to xx number of people and you won’t believe the amazing surprise you’ll receive… believe me!” (3) “Bill Gates will personally send you a check for $1,000 if you only forward this on to xx of your closest friends,” (4) “if you don’t pass this on to xx others then you don’t care about this country or the liberties we hold dear,” (5) “if you have any real faith or conviction you will share this message with xx others,” or possibly (6) “share this with the people you truly love, because you know they wouldn’t hide such an important message from you.” Whatever you choose to close with, just be sure that you pull no punches and hold no regrets. The closing of forwards is unscrupulous business. Be prepared to take advantage of everything your readers’ hold dear.

8) Now we come to the finishing touches. Before you send your message off, be sure you are using an email account that is in some way sponsored by an advertising entity. I can’t stress this enough, ALL FORWARDS MUST END IN RELENTLESS INVITATIONS AND TEMPTATIONS TO “CLICK HERE.” If, following your signature, you offer your readers no means of saving on medical insurance, losing a ton of weight, making a small fortune, erasing their debt, winning a free vacation, downloading free smiley sets, or switching to a better, faster email service, then all of your previous work has been in vain. If you don’t already have links like these at the ends of all your emails, then you really need to refocus before you send out any forwards.

9) You have more freedom when it comes to the title of your message. Just be sure to make it cryptic and ambiguous enough to keep your readers guessing until they actually open the thing. You wouldn’t want them to actually know what they’re about to read, now would you? This is especially crucial in the case of crude jokes or emails containing loud music files. I would suggest that if you are in the market for these kinds of messages, then you title your email something like “You Have to Open this at Work” or “Your Coworkers will Love This!” That may sound like an obvious sneak attack to you, but you won’t believe how gullible and naïve forward-openers can sometimes be.

10) In your subject line, before your main title, be sure to include the “FW:” tag. This too is essential to your success. Even though this is the very first time it’s going out, your readers must understand that this is without a doubt forward-able material. For good measure, you might consider adding multiple FWs to your subject line—there’s nothing more personal than receiving a message that’s obviously been passed around to everyone else first (not unlike a disease, if you think about it). *Note to readers: if you receive a forward, you must not, under any circumstance, remove the “FW” from the subject line. By removing the “FW,” you add far too much of a special touch to your message. It must be inherent to your friends and family that you care so much about them and this message, that you couldn’t even take the time to give the title personal flair.

11) Last but not least, go back into the body of your message and fabricate a series of address headings. First off, you don’t want your readers to have any idea where the forward passing actually began, so it’s important that you implicate as many other folks as possible. Secondly, everyone knows that any forward worth its salt contains a million and a half email addresses before the actual message begins. Your readers expect to scroll for an eternity before ever coming to anything of “substance,” so give them what they want. General rule of thumb: every forward should contain 3/4 email addresses and headings, and 1/4 message. If you follow this rule, you’ll be greeted with nothing but success.

With the completion of step 11, you are ready to attack. Now choose 15-20 forward-happy people in your social circle and let ‘er rip. The society will never know what hit ‘em.

\m/ Fight the power. \m/